I have 3 sons. there ages are 14 and 12. my 14 year old son can always find a way to make me and my husband mad. it either with grades. or him not getting his way. but we have punished him, but nothing seems to help. My two other sons are both 12. one of them can never be totally honest. he lies about things. the other twin is honest, but he covers for my 14 year old. And he helps lie for both of them. he doesn't really lie. but he doesn't really tell you what your asking. help!
I think that there's probably an underlying cause for all of this dishonesty. Let's start with your eldest son. You aren't solving anything by getting mad at your son for not doing well- clearly it's not working if he still hasn't changed his attitude.
You cannot make somebody suddenly want to do well, they need to motivate themselves. In other words, you can yell and get mad all you like with him, but this is only going to frustrate and discourage him from trying to improve.
What you should try to do in order to motivate and/or help him is get him a tutor for the subjects that he's struggling in. This will help him in tackling his weaknesses.
Also, call his teachers and organize a meeting so that you, your husband, your son, and the teacher can meet up to discuss where he's going wrong and how he can improve. Also, ask the teachers if they can help him out at lunch times, or even after school (this is a useful option if you aren't able to afford to send him to tuition classes).
The teacher's role is to help your son, so I'm sure that they'd be happy to help him outside of class. Furthermore, you need to organize a schedule for all of your sons, that prevents them from going out until they have studied and finished ALL of their homework- make sure to check this, and initially you may have to really enforce the schedule on them, but gradually they will develop a study habit so that they know how and when to study.
This will take time, but be patient with them, and offer as much support and encouragement as you possibly can.
If one of your sons doesn't do too well on a test in future, ask him about his grades (and if he refuses to tell you what he got, or lies, then call the teacher yourself and enquire) and ask to see his tests, then help him in understanding where he went wrong.
If you don't understand the concept, again, ask the teacher to go through the tests with him.
Don't get angry when they don't do well, just offer them encouragement, and tell them to re-study the particular area they went wrong in, so that they don't mess up next time.
As for your son being stubborn and unable to follow your instruction, you need to ENFORCE and STAND BY the decisions that you and your husband make.
Also, cohesion is essential in ensuring that your boys listen and follow what you tell them, so make sure that both your husband and you are consistent in what you tell them, so that they are not confused by conflicting decisions.
You're going to need to have a family meeting, where you and your husband talk to the boys to let them know that there is going to be a change in rules, and that they must listen to what you tell them, or else forfeit various priveliges, such as the right to go out on the weekends etc.
Then, begin the new system.
If the kids don't listen to what you tell them, then simply be firm, and warn them that if they do not follow your decision, then you will take away their right to watch television for a week (this is just an example of a possible punishment- think of something appropriate to them), and if they persist in not following your rules, or are rude, then IMMEDIATLEY take away the privilege, and inform them that it will not be returned until they improve their attitude.
This is will convey the message instantly, that what they are doing is unacceptable, and in future they will avoid defying your rules. Because they are teenage boys and haven't been disciplined in this fashion before, it will take a while before they accept and follow the system, but just be PERSISTENT and eventually, they will learn. When they improve their behavior, reward them by taking them to a movie or cooking their favorite dish for dinner that night.
Make sure that the rewards you give them are not huge things, but convey the fact that you approve of their behavior.
Also do this when your sons do well at school