I have been engaged for over a year and have plans to get married in 2007. Last year I found myself in the magazine aisles, engrossed in copies of bridal magazines. For the last six months I couldn't care less. I feel like I love my guy, but I don't feel madly in love with him. We have even lived together for over a year. I don't feel confident that he is what I want in a husband. He doesn't like anything I like and activities we used to enjoy have become old and boring. There is nothing we do for fun. The routine is coming home watching TV and going to bed. I am really struggling because up until a few months ago I knew he was the one. What should I do? Go ahead with plans for a wedding? Reschedule it? Cancel? I have no idea, it is really looming over my head.
There are two kinds of love: "in love" and real love. "In love" is actually physiological in nature, and it goes away somewhere between six months and two and a half years. You have this time to turn "in love" into real love. It sounds like you've lost the "in love" without building a strong enough relationship to create a true love.
OTOH, it's not that unusual to have doubts when the relationship reaches a new phase, and planning a wedding is certainly a new phase.
Since you have over a year to plan the wedding, I suggest that you continue with planning where you can without committing money. This way you won't be putting "I've already spent a thousand dollars how can I cancel it now?!" pressure on yourself. With some breathing room on that front, it's time to do some serious talking and working with your SO.
It's going to be very scary to do this. It will upset your SO, and people don't usually get upset in constructive ways. And that's going to make it even harder to determine if you have a chance at a good relationship in the future.
I have three things I've learned from personal experience that indicate whether you're in a good relationship.
- A relationship should make your life richer, not poorer. You shouldn't find yourself limited by your SO.
- You should be each other's cheerleaders, and you should always expect to be treated the way he treats you (and vice versa).
- The test of a good relationship is not how it goes in the good times. A truly good relationship will become stronger when there are conflicts, while a poor relationship will get battered.
I must recommend therapy as well. Our culture teaches very poor relationship skills and a therapist will help you overcome any bad training that you've received.
And remember - it may seem hard to break off an engagement, but it is 10x harder to end a marriage.